You will arrive at the hotel sore. Do not just collapse on the bed. You need a recovery protocol.
The trip started at 6:00 AM. I had a grande cold brew, a full tank of gas, and a false sense of spinal integrity.
By hour two, I learned the first rule of the Big Butt Road Trip: Your glutes are not designed for this.
We hit the first scenic byway—The Burr Trail in Utah. The sign said "Winding Road Next 33 Miles." What the sign didn't say was "Winding Road that will actively rearrange your internal organs." big butt road trip
Every switchback felt like a physical negotiation with gravity. My passenger seat became a boxing ring where my left cheek fought my right cheek for dominance.
But then we stopped. We got out at the overlook of the Waterpocket Fold. And I realized why they call it a "Fold." It looks like the earth bent over to tie its shoe and forgot to stand up straight again. The striations in the rock looked like denim wrinkles. It was majestic.
Lunch: A gas station hot dog that I ate standing up, because sitting was no longer an option. You will arrive at the hotel sore
Route Focus: Appalachian & Southeastern U.S.
Total Suggested Duration: 5–7 days
Theme: Humorous geography, quirky small towns, hiking, and scenic drives.
The big butt road trip is not a problem to be fixed. It is a logistics puzzle to be solved with humor, preparation, and zero shame.
Buy the gel cushion. Plan the 90-minute stops. Do the reverse lunges at the rest area while the truckers watch. Drive the big SUV. And when you arrive at your destination, walk out of that car with your head high—because you have successfully negotiated 1,000 miles of American asphalt with your posterior intact. Safe travels, and may your gas station bathroom
Your butt is not a burden. It is a roadmap. And now you know exactly how to drive it.
Safe travels, and may your gas station bathroom breaks be swift and your seat warmers forgiving.
Do not keep your right heel planted on the floor mat. That twists your hip. Instead, lift your entire leg to move from gas to brake. This uses your quads and hamstrings, protecting your hip rotators.